You seem to be in a land of giant fluffy pancakes. A bite of the warm luscious pancakey ground makes your taste buds dance the conga line. Could this be heaven? A giant robotic arm crashes down from the sky slicing through the soft unyielding ground of deliciousness like it was made of paper. Well great, some giant robot douchebag is trying to spoil your wonderful time in pancake heaven. You shoot syrup out of your hands at the intruder. How are you doing that? you must be the pancake overlord. Suddenly the robot opens it's giant mechanized mouth and emits a earsplitting sound that sounds like 1000 bats going through a woodchipper. It is so miserable you fall to your knees and beg for it all to end. Your eyes snap open and you stare at your alarm clock with a fiery hate in your eyes. That motherfucker! Do you? [[Hit your alarm clock like it is a punching bag]] [[Go back to sleep]]You get ready to rain a powerful punch at your blaring alarm clock like Chuck Norris getting ready to uppercut some foe or another. There's just one problem though....your alarm clock seems to be hitting back. While still yelling like the sound of an airplane full of toddlers hopped up on sugar, your alarm clock comes at you faster than Bruce Lee, and delivers a hearty punch to your jaw. The room seems to spin a little bit. Do you? [[Attempt to punch back]] [[Let it beat you up for a while, maybe it will get tired?]] [[Use your powers as the pancake overlord to show that alarm who is boss!!]] (set: $progress +=1) You try and go back to sleep with the illusion that you will be able to sleep through the alarm clock. Oh you poor hopeful sap. Pancake heaven is in shambles, there is fire everywhere burning the once delicious land to a crisp. Little Mrs. Butterworth people run around screaming as everything they know and love gets devoured by the vicious flames. How could you subject them to this? You monster!! All you had to do was wake up... Meanwhile there is still the sound of 1000 bats going through a woodchipper to deal with and your steadily growing migraine. Do you? [[Hit your alarm clock like it is a punching bag]] (set: $lazy +=1) You swing your fists wildly and throw in some kicks as if attempting to hardcore dance. Unfortunately, hardcore dancing isn't the same as fighting and the alarm clock quickly overpowers you with deft speed and finesse. Maybe you shouldn't have let your alarm clock take those boxing lessons last week you idiot! Your body erupts in pain as you die a slow miserable death being punched to death by an alarm clock.... Game over... Restart at last check point [[Hit your alarm clock like it is a punching bag]] (set: $death=+1) You decide to let your body go limp and try and tune out the shower of alarm clock punches raining down upon you. If you think about it, it kind of feels like your alarm clock is trying to give you a massage :) I guess that is the least it could do for being such a douchebag and trying to wake you up and stuff. Your alarm clock seems to notice that you are not responding to his attacks. It begins to stop punching and sob uncontrollably, a sound that is almost more grating than the noise of 1000 screeching bats going through a woodchipper it was making before. You remember your alarm clock has horrible self esteem issues. If it feels that it is unable to intimidate you than it has done a terrible job at its alarm clocky life. Do you? [[Comfort your alarm clock like a kind and caring person would do]] [[Be a dick and laugh at your alarm clock]] [[Kick your alarm clock while it's down and overpower that noise making bastard once and for all]] (set: $lazy +=1) You call upon your powers as the lord of the pancakes to make short work of the nasty alarm clock. Suddenly you begin to feel a warm sensation in the pit of your stomach and you recoil in surprise as syrup erupts out of your palms like a geyser. Within seconds the alarm clock is covered in the amber sticky yummalicious tar that we call syrup. It makes a horrible hissing noise and begins smoking. The foul scent of burning alarm clock fills the room...it smells like victory... Do you? [[Attempt to get out of bed like a productive member of society]] [[Go the fuck back to sleep]] (set: $pancake +=1)You comfort your alarm clock as it sobs into your shoulder. There is a lot of "there there's", "I treasure our friendships", and "man you are totally intimidating don't feel downs." You are an old hat at this, your last girlfriend was very clingy and emotional and much leakier eyes than your alarm clock. After a while of therapeutic talk and hugging your alarm clock perks up a bit. "Thank you, you're a good friend," it warbles through a mouthful of tears. "You too man," you respond. You two hug it out and it's an exceptionally touching moment. As a token of gratitude your alarm clock bequeaths you with lava shoes that allow you to walk on lava. You have no idea when on earth these will be useful but you graciously accept them. Do you? [[Get your ass outta bed]] [[Nah fuck that, go back to sleep]] (set: $progress +=1) (set: $good +=1)You chortle raucously at your alarm clock as it weeps excessively. Your alarm clock notices you are laughing and begins to weep harder. Wow man you are a dick... Driven into a violent rage by your horrible laughter, your alarm clock lunges at you faster than you can blink. It impacts hard into your skull like a brick and you roar in pain as a mess of blood and brains splatter across the room. That is the last sound you ever make because you are dead. It serves you right for being a bully... GAME OVER Restart at last checkpoint? [[Let it beat you up for a while, maybe it will get tired?]] (set: $death +=1) (set: $dick +=1) With a ferocious war cry erupting from the back of your throat you drive your foot as hard as you can into that loud, obnoxious, noise making a-hole. It emits a gasp of surprise as the impact sends it flying across the room and into the wall where it explodes violently on impact. That was super fucking intense, you feel like an action hero, look at you. Too bad you didn't have the balls to take on your alarm when it was actually trying to fight you...but hey you still did it, you winner you... Do you? [[Attempt to get out of bed like a productive member of society]] [[Go the fuck back to sleep]] (set: $dick +=1)You roll sluggishly and attempt to sit up at the foot of your bed with much effort. You begin to cautiously lower your feet to the floor and recoil quickly in pain for it feels like the floor is a million degrees. You examine your feet and they look like pieces of toast...if only you had some butter...nah eating your feet would be a bad idea... A glance at the floor reveals a red bubbly substance that looks like lava...wait it is lava. The floor is made of goddamn lava... Didn't you used to play that game as a kid? Well it is not a game any more son. There's only one thing you can do... Do you? [[Go the fuck back to sleep]] (set: $progress +=1)Free of the dreaded alarm clock you gently close your eyes and drift back off into peaceful slumber. In your dream you see yourself in your bed....deja vu... As you stare at the foot of your bed it slowly begins to lengthen slowly at first and then shooting out abruptly for miles. The bed frame twists and turns and does loop de loops and corkskrews. Suddenly cars begin speeding past your head, cruising along your twisting and turning bed frame. Did your bed lust become a hot wheels track? You look down at your feet and notice a stunning Jaguar Convertible with your name written on the side of it. Suhweeeeeeeeet!!!!! Do you? [[Take a ride down your bed in the car of your dreams]] [[Nah I'm to much of a badass for that, I can just grand theft auto another car]] [[Just keep laying down, maybe one of the cars will run you over]] (set: $lazy +=1)You try and go back to sleep but your alarm wakes you up again. "You have things to do," it reminds you. That bastard...you really should've killed him. [[Get your ass outta bed]] (set: $lazy +=1) One way or another you got those pesky lava shoes. That is excellent because your floor might be made of lava you know. Good for you champ! Now you have a means of getting out of bed and traversing your floor. There are many things you need to do to start your day, it's almost somewhat exhausting and overwhelming. What would you like to do now? [[Go to your closet]] [[Go to the bathroom]] [[Go downstairs]] [[Stay in bed and watch TV]] (set: $progress +=1) Shooting down the highway of your slumbering abode you pass various things you thought were lost in time that have buried themselves in the confines of your bed. Old laundry, crumpled up notes, lost pieces of homework, discarded soda cans and pizza boxes, various stains from "experimentation" or frights in the night as a kid. It is like looking at landmarks along a road. The bed twists and turns while your stomach churns menacingly. Just when you think you might be ready to add another stain, via your upset stomach, to the collection the bed-road ends and you slam on the brakes to come to a stop. Floating above you is a giant pancake with the basic features of a person. It wears a slick black top hat and a monocle and carries a large black cane made out of dyed mahogany. "Why have you awoken me from my slumber?" he shouts. You respond? [["I am actually slumbering myself and my subconscious has no real control over my weird dreams involving talking pancakes."]] [["Because I am a dick"]] [["Because I require your help, your pancakeyness."]] [["Because I am the mother fucking pancake god."]] (set: $progress +=1)Being a complete badass, you decide to grand theft auto another car. Oh your childish delusions of what would make you a "cooler" person are woeful at best. Anywhoodle, you jump like a crazed lunatic at the windshield of some poor passerby's car, somehow not being squashed like a bug, and bust through it. Broken glass from the windshield rains down on the driver and her screaming kids leaving nasty cuts. You dick... Somehow immune to the pleas and screams of the innocent, you grab the driver and thrust them violently out of the car where she rolls a couple of times and then lays very very still. The kids are still screaming but you tune them out like a cold machine, or like you are just playing some messed up game. They don't really matter, do they, because this is just a game? There are a pair of lava shoes in the passengers seat. You grab for them. One of the kids garbles something about how they were his birthday present but you tune that out too. Somehow you feel like you are done here. You got what you needed. Your floor might be made of lava after all. You decide that it is time to... [[Get your ass outta bed]] ...and leave the kids to certain death because, they have no driver... (set: $dick +=1)You continue laying down, hoping that one one of the speeding cars will run you over and you would wake up. As if hearing your prayers a car hurtles into your body and splatters it everywhere and continues to speed off down the bed. An unrecognizable mess of blood and gore litters the top of the bed...and...you are dead... You thought you would wake up didn't you? Well don't you know that if you die in a dream you die in real life? Haven't you ever seen "Inception"? Yes I know the plot of "Inception"!!! FUCK YOU! GAME OVER Restart at last checkpoint? [[Go the fuck back to sleep]] (set: $lazy +=1) (set: $death +=1)He responds, "ohhhhh reaalllly...well I can change that pretty easily and then maybe I will finally be able to get some goddamn sleep." With a wave of his pancakey hands the floating pancake blasts you with large waves of golden brown pancake mix. The force is unbearable and it jolts you back awake. Now you can either attempt to get out of bed but I think the floor is made of lava so I would advise against it. Your best bet is probably to repeat this whole process over again and choose a different response. Boy do video games suck...but hey at least I am being helpful :) Go to... [[Attempt to get out of bed like a productive member of society]] (set: $lazy +=1)"You got that right," replies the talking Pancake. With a wave of his fingers he sends a warm tingling sensation down your body. You look down and realize you have turned into a giant phalice... You fall to the ground unable to move, talk, or offer any sort of resistance...because you had to go and decide you wanted to be a phalice... GAME OVER Restart at last checkpoint? [[Take a ride down your bed in the car of your dreams]] (set: $dick +=1)"Yeah I guess you do" says the talking pancake in a bored voice. "Here take these lava shoes so you can walk on lava. I stole them from some guys car. I think your floor may be made of lava if I remember correctly. Also if you wish to prolong your life slightly longer, be careful when dealing with clothing, think twice about eating what comes out of the shower, do not use toothpaste, don't take the stairs, remember to turn your hairbrushes safety on, and for the love of god man make some pancakes!! NOW GET YOUR ASS OUTTA BED AND LET ME GO BACK TO SLEEP!!" You've acquired lava shoes :) Yay for you!! DO you? [[Get your ass outta bed]] (set: $progress +=1)"Really are you? Because I am the giant floating pancake here," said the giant floating pancake. "How about we have a little duel to see who is the godiest one of us. Prepare for battle. Pancake god attacks with power of syrup. Do you? [[Attack with power of pancake mix]] [[Counter with power of syrup]] [[Flip that shit with a spatula]] [[Summon a pancake]] (set: $pancake +=1)You summon a wave of pancake mix from your fists and blast it at the oncoming wave of syrup like something out of DragonBall-Z. The syrup and the mix combine into some to form a sticky rock like substance that slams into your face and crushes you like an ant. GAME OVER. Restart at. [["Because I am the mother fucking pancake god."]] (set: $death +=1)You shoot a wave of syrup at the oncoming wave of syrup. The two opposing syrups collide in midair. The force of the collision covers both you and the pancake in the sticky syrup. You try to escape but the syrup constricts your movements. Both you and your pancakey opponent are stuck there for the rest of your lives. I guess that means that's a tie? We'll just have to see which one of you dies first I guess.... Much later in the future...you die...oh wait I guess it's you...YOU LOSE! GAME OVER! Restart at? [["Because I am the mother fucking pancake god."]] (set: $death +=1) You try to flip the syrup with a spatula. It doesn't really work all that well since syrup isn't all that...flippable... You and your spatula are covered head to toe in syrup and you are stuck for the rest of your lives until you die. GAME OVER! Restart at last checkpoint? [["Because I am the mother fucking pancake god."]] (set: $death +=1)You summon a pancake. The syrup washes over the pancake coating it evenly until it is lathered in the sticky goodness. Both you and the floating pancake agree that your syrupy pancake tastes delicious. "Curses," says the pancake. He attacks back by summoning a pancake of his own. This pancake happens to be a zombie and it lumbers towards you hungry for your brains.... Do you? [[Use the pancake mix Luke]] [[Attack with syrup]] [[Use the mighty spatula]] [[Make a pancake zombie of your own]] (set: $pancake +=1)You fire a burst of pancake mix at your attacker. It slows him down considerably and he begins to gag violently on the mix and collapses. You go towards the fallen pancake zombie to taste your victory. "FOOL THAT PANCAKE IS LIKE 90% MIX BECAUSE OF YOU, IT'S GOING TO TASTE AWFUL. DON'T YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO MIX A PANCAKE EVENLY TO GET RID OF THE MIX," cries the pancake god. It's true the pancake zombie does taste quite awful, so awful in fact that you explode... GAME OVER! Restart at? [[Summon a pancake]] (set: $death +=1)You shoot syrup at the pancake. This only seems to make the pancake zombie stronger and his thirst for your blood even more overpowering. This makes sense syrup always does make a pancake stronger, it's practically not even a pancake without it. Like seriously, what the hell where you thinking? I'm sure it tastes delicious but before you can even consider taking a bite the pancake zombie buries it's ugly mug in your stomach and takes a big bite out of your pancreas. You bleed to death. Is this what karma feels like? Doesn't feel good does it? GAME OVER Restart at [[Summon a pancake]] (set: $death +=1) You unsheathe your mighty spatula and hold it triumphantly above your head. You unleash a largely incoherent war cry that only somewhat sounds like, "YOUAREGOINGTOGETFLIPPEDYOUMOTHERFUCKER!" And with a skilled wave of your spatula that mother fucker got flipped. The pancake zombie gurgles incoherently for it has been flipped face down and is suffocating. A few gurgles and twitches later it stops making noise and twitching completely. The pancake god sighs, "well I guess you sort of know what the hell you are doing after all, you certainly don't look like you would...but congratulations I guess. I suppose since you have bested me you can take these lava shoes or whatever, I stole them from some blokes car. They may help you in your quest, a little birdy told me your floor is most likely made of lava or something. Toodle loo, now leave me the FUCK alone!!!" You feel like you have done all you need to do. You decide to toodle loo and leave the pancake god the fuck alone. [[Get your ass outta bed]] (set: $pancake +=1) (set: $progress +=1)You summon your own pancake zombie to square off against the other pancake zombie in a fight to the death! However you neglected to remember one little thing, pancakes don't eat other pancakes even if they are zombies. That would be like the equivalent of cannibalism or something and completely barbaric. They do however love human flesh. Good thing you're a human...oh wait maybe that's not so good. Two pancake zombies fix their bloodshot eyes on you and proceed to rip you apart with the devastating power of teamwork. GAME OVER Restart at? [[Summon a pancake]] (set: $death +=1)You go to your closet and contemplate getting dressed. You rifle through your clothes indecisively. What will you wear today? [[Your business suit]] [[Your clown outfit]] [[A pair of pants on your head]] [[Tee shirt and shorts bro]] [[A leopard skin thong]] [[Your birthday suit]] (set: $progress +=1)You use your new fangled lava shoes to mosey on over to the bathroom. There you are greeted with a variety of choices. What would you like to accomplish partner? [[Brush hair]] [[Take shower]] [[Brush teeth]] [[Take a massive shit]] (set: $progress +=1)[[Go down the stairs]] [[Jump out the window at the top of the stairs]] [[Slide down the bannister]]You decide to stay in bed and watch TV as the day passes by around you. As your favorite show plays all the worries of the things you were supposed to do today flit away and you realize that you are happy. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN!!!! (set: $lazy +=1) Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) Brush hair with? [[Your comb]] [[Your toothbrush]] [[Your hands because you in a big hurry and only minorly care how you look]] (set: $progress +=1)You get all nice and naked like most people do when they take showers and prepare to cleanse your filthy self. You turn on the shower and long this worm like things wriggle out of the faucet. They look like spaghetti except they are clear like shower water would be. Maybe the shower water decided to take a solid form today? Oh shit, you forgot to apply liquid attributes to the shower water. What a severe technical mishap. Before you can reflect to closely on your idiotic actions the shower is full of the spaghetti substance. You reach for the faucet to try and turn off the water but the wall of spaghetti water blocks you. What should you do, how will you escape? You probably didn't expect the game to get this exciting now, did you? [[Throw the spaghetti water out of the shower]] [[Try to get out of the shower]] [[Eat the spaghetti water, it looks like spaghetti after all]] (set: $progress +=1)You pick up your toothbrush and ready yourself to brush your teeth! [[Use the dry as a bone brush]] [[Wet the brush with water]] [[Use toothpaste like a normal person]] (set: $progress +=1)You take a massive shit and it feels pretty damn good. Probably the most fulfilling thing you've done all day. If your life could just be taking massive shits you would probably win at it. What would you like to do now? [[Brush hair]] [[Take shower]] [[Brush teeth]] [[Leave the bathroom]] (set: $progress +=1)[[Inspect comb]] [[Attempt to eat comb]] [[Use comb on hair]]You comb your hair with your toothbrush. It doesn't really work that well and looks a lot worse than it did before... but maybe that was the look you were going for? What do you want to do now? [[Brush teeth]] [[Take shower]] [[Take a massive shit]] [[Leave the bathroom]]You brush your hair quickly with your hands. Some people just don't have time to fuck with a comb you know. Maybe you are one of those people or maybe you just don't give a shit? Who knows? You might? You are you after all and can probably explain yourself better than anyone. I don't really want to listen though. What would you like to do now? [[Brush teeth]] [[Take shower]] [[Take a massive shit]] [[Leave the bathroom]] (set: lazy +=1)You inspect the comb and see that the safety is turned off. Silly you, that could really hurt somebody. Good thing you had the brains to inspect your comb...did you borrow some brains by any chance? You switch the safety on. The comb cannot harm anyone anymore and you proceed to.... [[Comb your hair]]You attempt to eat the comb. It doesn't taste very good and I'm not sure what it accomplished but good for you, I guess. You succeeded at what you set out to do...it's just what you set out to do was frankly kind of stupid... What would you like to do now? [[Brush teeth]] [[Take shower]] [[Take a massive shit]] [[Leave the bathroom]] You attempt to comb your hair and it catches on fire. You scream and yell manically but it is no use to the flaming abomination that is your new hairdo. Did you remember to put your comb on safety....you didn't did you....well that is why your head is on fire, champ! You burn up and die a horrible painful death. GAME OVER Restart at? [[Your comb]] (set: $death +=1) You comb your hair with the now safe to handle comb. It looks slightly less awful than it might have if you didn't decide to comb it. Good for you buckaroo! What would you like to do now? [[Brush teeth]] [[Take shower]] [[Take a massive shit]] [[Leave the bathroom]] (set: $progress +=1)You left the bathroom. What do you want to do now? [[Go to your closet]] [[Go downstairs]] (set: $progress +=1)You turn on your faucet shakily and wet your toothbrush with some water. Toothpaste is overrated anyway. You brush your teeth and the water does a pretty dismal job clearing away all the legions of plaque and grime that litter your teeth. But hey at least you brushed them? What would you like to do now? [[Brush hair]] [[Take shower]] [[Take a massive shit]] [[Leave the bathroom]] (set: $lazy +=1)You squirt out a glob of oddly colored toothpaste onto your toothbrush, ignoring the fact that the "toothpaste" is crawling around. You go on brushing your teeth and recoil in terror as the insides of your mouth are bitten by ants. You scream in anguish as you realize that your toothpaste was actually your tube of "antsinatube." Your mouth receives an unprecedented amount of horrible ant bites and you die an exceedingly painful death. GAME OVER Restart at? [[Brush teeth]] (set: $death +=1)You use the unwetted and untoothpasted dry as a bone brush to brush your teeth. It feels absolutely awful and your gums bleed vigorously, but hey you aren't dead I guess! You give yourself a very bloody smile in the mirror to celebrate the fact that you didn't die. What would you like to do now? [[Brush hair]] [[Take shower]] [[Take a massive shit]] [[Leave the bathroom]] (set: $lazy +=1) You start throwing the spaghetti water substance thing out of the shower hoping to clear a path to the faucet. It is mildly hard and tedious work and you soon grow tired because you are a 21st century middle class American who isn't used to manual labor. Just when you think your arms are about to fall off and that you will never be able to lift anything again, there is a clear opening to the faucet. You reach over to turn it off and the slew of spaghetti water stops. Success!!! You actually accomplished a task!! You attempt to open the shower door to finally escape and it doesn't budge....because there is a giant pile of spaghetti water that you threw out of the shower in front of it... You try a couple more times growing more panicked by the minute. All the while it becomes more and more clear that you done fucked up and you are trapped in the shower (at least it's not the closet R-Kelly). You wither away over a long couple of days without an adequate means of sustaining yourself and die a slow painful death... GAME OVER Restart at? [[Take shower]] (set: $death +=1)You race madly to the shower door. Fighting strenuously through the mass of spaghetti water. It is worse than fighting through quicksand but somehow through sheer dumb perseverance you manage to get out of the shower. You race out of the bathroom as the shower door explodes off it's hinges behind you like an action movie and spaghetti water starts flooding the bathroom. You close the bathroom door quickly and bolt it shut, trapping the spaghetti water inside. Too bad the bathroom is now completely unusable.... What do you want to do now? [[Go to your closet]] [[Go downstairs]] (set: $progress +=1)If life has taught you anything at all it's that if there is a mess than the best option is always to eat your way out of it. You begin grabbing big handfulls of the spaghetti water and shoveling them into your mouth. It doesn't especially taste like anything, but it is still foodish so the experience is enjoyable. It goes smoothly at first but then you start to feel a little strange and then straight up awful. You throw up and it comes out in a big solid greenish cylinder that clunks noiselessly against the shower floor. You spit the taste out of your mouth and the spit flies out as little marbles that clink quietly against the wall. What's going on? You start to cry out of frustration and your tears are like long thick pencils that hurt like a bitch as they come out. You are pretty sure that you are bleeding as little red cubes fall down from your aching eyes. Everything that was once liquid inside you is now a solid!! That might be bad because you are like 90% water or something right? You explode in a violent mess of completely solid bodily gunk. Maybe you shouldn't have ate something that was supposed to be a liquid? GAME OVER Restart at? [[Take shower]] (set: $death +=1)You reach for your business suit but unfortunately your business suit also means business and attacks. "Do you really think you are businessy enough to out business a business suit that means business?" says the business suit menacingly. [[Yes]] [[No]] You decide to wear your favorite clown outfit. At that exact moment the FBI kicks down your door and arrests you for trying to kill Batman, terrorizing the Loser Club, murdering people and having no face, and a number of other charges. Clowns are terrible people...if you watched more TV you would've known that... You waste away the rest of your days at Arkham Aslylum. Meanwhile your clown outfit takes on a mind of it's own and runs rampant in the streets doing all sorts of horrible clowny things. GAME OVER Restart at? [[Go to your closet]] (set: $death +=1) You reach for a pair of pants to put on your head. The pants attempt to attack you but become so confused when you put them on your head that they give up entirely. You hear them mutter "weirdo." Congratulations you can deal with people and or pants who are hostile to you by being weird (a valuable trait in life really.) What do you want to do now? Go to the bathroom (oh wait you just got dressed you should probably have done bathroom stuff before getting dressed (you can't take a shower in your clothes) and or the bathroom has been rendered unusable for...various reasons) [[Go downstairs]] (set: $weirdo +=1) You reach for a T-shirt and shorts (bro) but the T-shirt and shorts don't appear to keen for you to wear them. They reply, "hey bro. What the hell do you think you're doing bro. I don't think you're bro enough to wear something as broey as a t-shirt and shorts bro. I challenge you to a bro down, bro. Lemme start. BRO. Now you go..." How will you respond? [[Brotato chip]] [[Bromeo and Juliet]] [[Bromosapian]] [[Broback mountain]]You decide to wear a leopard skin thong. To bad that the leopard skin thong has all the ferociousness and desire to completely maul you of an actual leopard....and you just put it on your junk... That might have been some poor judgement on your part. Your junk gets mauled by a leopard skin thong and you die a very very very painful death... GAME OVER Restart at? [[Go to your closet]] (set: $death +=1) Done and done!! You look fabulous in all your bright shiny and fleshy glory! What do you want to do now? Go to the bathroom (oh wait you just got dressed you should probably have done bathroom stuff before getting dressed (you can't take a shower in your clothes) and or the bathroom has been rendered unusable for...various reasons) [[Go downstairs]] (set: $lazy +=1)"Well you seem pretty confident about yourself. Only a man who means serious business is confident about oneself. Wear me like one of your French girls..." You wore a business suit! What shall you do next? Go to the bathroom (oh wait you just got dressed you should probably have done bathroom stuff before getting dressed (you can't take a shower in your clothes) and or the bathroom has been rendered unusable for...various reasons) [[Go downstairs]] (set: $progress +=1)"Yeah I agree. I think I shall wear you because you certainly don't deserve to wear me." You become the business suit's business suit for the rest of your days. GAME OVER Restart at? [[Your business suit]] or...[[Go to your closet]] and pick a different outfit (set: $death +=1)"Oh shit bro. You like hella creative bro. You be all like thinkin of mad puns and shit bro. Brotato chip, I love chips!! Like ohmygawd I would like never think of that bro!!! I love you bro. I want you to fucking wear me bro!" You now fucking wear a T-shirt and shorts...bro... What do you want to do now? Go to the bathroom (oh wait you just got dressed you should probably have done bathroom stuff before getting dressed (you can't take a shower in your clothes) and or the bathroom has been rendered unusable for...various reasons) [[Go downstairs]] (set: $bro +=1)"Oh shit bro. You like hella creative bro. You be all like thinkin of mad puns and shit bro. Bromeo and Juliet, like wow didn't some famous dude write that shit? Like ohmygawd I would like never think of that bro!!! I love you bro. I want you to fucking wear me bro!" You now fucking wear a T-shirt and shorts...bro... What do you want to do now? Go to the bathroom (oh wait you just got dressed you should probably have done bathroom stuff before getting dressed (you can't take a shower in your clothes) and or the bathroom has been rendered unusable for...various reasons) [[Go downstairs]] (set: $bro +=1)"Oh shit bro. You like hella creative bro. You be all like thinkin of mad puns and shit bro. Bromosapian, like what does that even mean? Like ohmygawd I would like never think of that bro!!! I love you bro. I want you to fucking wear me bro!" You now fucking wear a T-shirt and shorts...bro... What do you want to do now? Go to the bathroom (oh wait you just got dressed you should probably have done bathroom stuff before getting dressed (you can't take a shower in your clothes) and or the bathroom has been rendered unusable for...various reasons) [[Go downstairs]] (set: $bro +=1)"Oh shit bro. You like hella creative bro. You be all like thinkin of mad puns and shit bro. Broback mountain, haha I love cowboys...even if they are gays. Like ohmygawd I would like never think of that bro!!! I love you bro. I want you to fucking wear me bro!" You now fucking wear a T-shirt and shorts...bro... What do you want to do now? Go to the bathroom (oh wait you just got dressed you should probably have done bathroom stuff before getting dressed (you can't take a shower in your clothes) and or the bathroom has been rendered unusable for...various reasons) [[Go downstairs]] (set: $bro +=1)For some reason you decide it would be a good idea to jump out the window. You fall harmlessly onto the balcony just outside the window and then slide gracefully down the gutter to the garden below. You do a front flip over the daffodils and then cooly enter your front door. All in a days work my friend. Now you are downstairs. [[Next please]]Remembering that the contractor never finished the stairs you slide safely down the bannister instead. Now you are downstairs with the added bonus of not being dead :) [[Next please]]You attempt to go down the stairs and immediately plummet to your death. You idiot the contractor never finished the stairs. GAME OVER Restart at? [[Go downstairs]] (set: $death +=1)You go to the kitchen to make some noms for breakyfast. What shall you eat today? [[Cereal]] [[Eggs]] [[Some fucking pancakes]] [[A human head]] [[Skip breakfast I'm too busy]] (set: $progress +=1)You eat cereal. The plain jane breakfast for the most dull people who don't have time or are too lazy to make something themselves. If only both the milk and the cereal came mixed together in the same box so you didn't have to take all that energy to combine the two ingredients... It's both crunchy and soggy, like your underpants. You go to your boring pencil pushing job at the pencil pushing factory where you push pencils from one end of the room to the other until the big bad boss man decides that you've had enough torture for the day. You drive back home and watch TV for a bit. Only to go to bed tomorrow and do the same thing again the next day. The most interesting thing about your day was getting ready for it and you begin to have a nagging feeling that you just invented all that crazy stuff in your head to make your boring workaday life seem just a bit more eventful. Your stories did create quite a buzz around the water cooler though. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN...I suppose... (set: $lazy +=1) Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro) You decide to take the time to cook some eggs. How do you like your eggs prepared? [[scrambled]] [[over easy]] [[hard boiled]] [[raw]] (set: $progress +=1)You hold out your fingers and summon a million pancakes which you promptly devour. You are the pancake god after all. You fly up into the sky and blanket the world in a bed of syrup as people cheer loudly. You punch the sun and it turns into a pancake shining brightly onto our galaxy. You turn all the stars into bits of pancake mix that will one day crash together and form the universes biggest pancake. You flip the cosmos with your mighty spatula altering the course of history and destroying entire alien civilizations. Whatever happened this morning is mere childs play. You are a fucking god. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN!!!.....A LOT!!!! (set: $pancake +=1) Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro)You pull a human head out of your fridge and begin to eat it. You hear some commotion in the streets and go outside to investigate. There is a group of people screaming and running from some of your friends. You decide to join your friends and give chase as well. Luckily they are slow and you guys are able to catch them easily. They taste delcious. Whatever happened this morning doesn't really matter, the only thing that matters is braaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnssss... CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN!!!...also plot twist you are a zombie... Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro)You decide to skip breakfast and scurry out the door. There are 90000 donuts sitting on your desk that you need to proof read and check for sprinkles and jelly filling. There is no time for breakfast. Maybe if you are lucky you can sneak one of the donuts while your boss isn't looking. He's always looking though. Whatever happened this morning is just another reason why you were late to work and your boss can yell at you and shove more donuts on your desk as punishment. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN!!!...you sad stressed out fool (set: $lazy +=1) Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro)You prepare your eggs scrambled. It's quick and dirty and well...scrambled like your life. After wolfing them down you go to your high stress job as a jelly bean consultant. You make phone calls all day trying to advise people which flavors of jelly bean are in right now and which are out. It is hard to keep up with which jelly beans to buy and which to sell. Sometimes you get angry phone calls with people yelling at you about how they went into jelly debt because of your shitty advice. You come home frazzled and stressed out. Tomorrows another day, champ. Maybe your trouble getting out the door today was just a figment of your over active stressed out imagination. Who knows? CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN...possibly Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro)You make your eggs over easy. Sunny side up is how you prefer them. The liquid yolk running quickly through the eggwhites and spreading it's warm yellow happiness to all. That's what you do too. You are the happiest of happys and love to spread your happiness to the world. You are a sunshine vendor. You sell sunshine to anyone who asks to fill their lives with warmth and happiness. On the side you sell rainbows and puppies. It's a good life. Whatever happened this morning was an interesting set of events that made your lively day all the more lively. You would love if it happened again. Each day is new and bursting with interesting things. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN!!!...ya sunshine soaked hippie Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro)You make yourself a hard boiled egg. It is somewhat gross and hard to swallow but you enjoy it. You live a tough and hard boiled life. You go to your job as a CEO of the clouds where you boss clouds around all day telling them either to go away. Sometimes you make the clouds cry like little bitches, or hide behind the sun, or huddle together in the sky fearing for their lives. You're a cold uncaring person but that's what you need to be to be successful. Whatever the hell nonsense happened this morning was an unnecessary bullshit waste of time. Tomorrow you will see to it that it does not fucking happen again. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro) You eat your egg raw without cooking it. It tastes like victory. You go to your job as a covert teddy bear assassin. Those bastard teddy bears never see you coming till it's too late and their stuffing is all over the floor. You are a fighter for the good of the people. Whatever the hell happened this morning can go fuck itself. You take the day by storm, nothing will ever phase you or hinder your badassery. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN!!!...go assassinate some teddy bears.... Did you know you were being tracked on certain statistics? Progressiveness, laziness, deaths, pancake godliness, goodness, and dickishness to be exact :) Here's how you did champ... How progressive you were?: (print: $progress) How lazy you were?: (print: $lazy) Are you the pancake god?: (print: $pancake) How many times did you die?: (print: $death) How good of a person were you?: (print: $good) How much of a dick were you?: (print: $dick) BONUS Points: Are you a weirdo?: (print: $weirdo) Are you a fucking bro mayne? (print: $bro)